I don’t know about you guys, but I think post-college is far worse than puberty ever was. This is also coming from someone who got their period at age 10, grew armpit hair in the third grade and rocked unreal greasy hair with a middle part for 2 years as pictured below:
When you really start to think about it, puberty and your first job out of college are very much alike. Except instead of walking into the hormonal war zone that is adolescence, you are entering the real motha fuckin world. A world that not even four years of college can prepare you for. A world where you had no idea that you would be overwhelmed by so much awkwardness once again.
I landed my first job after college as a part-time associate for a professional sports team in the Los Angeles area. It was conveniently located just over a slight 70 miles from my house making that a 140 mile round-trip.
I did the math on that hefty number and racked up around 11,000 miles on my car just driving to and from work. The distance from Los Angeles to New York is 2,797 miles. That means over the course of the four months that I worked in my position I essentially drove across the country and back TWICE.
While the drive to work took around 2.5 hours, many mornings I was left thinking to myself, “I really wouldn’t mind if someone just rear-ended me right now” or “How much would my insurance go up if I rear-ended someone?”
Although that commute drove me to the brink of insanity (pun intended), I am grateful for the few months that I worked there. With the conclusion of the season, the office work began to slow and they decided that they no longer needed my service and thanked me for my time there.
I cannot reflect on this experience without saying that it truly was adolescence round two from the minute I got there. Just take a look at a picture my supervisor snapped of me on my first day. I am not one to really pose for pictures unless it is of me mooning the camera of course, but she thought it would be a cute idea to have me stand in front of the balloon arch and pose for a “First Day Pic!”
Here is how it turned out:
She mentioned to me that it looked a bit awkward so she had me pose for a second one:
Never quite nailed it and probably never will. Listed below are 5 reasons why my first job out of college was directly related to puberty:
1. My body has no chill
Dealing with armpit stains
I know this is a weird quirk that many middle schoolers embarrassingly go through, but this STILL happens to me!!! And quite often!!! It was only extremely embarrassing and evident when we had to wear gray t-shirts for events… and we had events ALL the time! It was like every time I put on that shirt within five minutes I would already see a little spot that just kept growing and growing and grooooooooooowing until it was like a waterfall coming out of my underarms. I pathetically tried everything!
I rolled up toilet paper and stuffed it around my armpits as it was slightly tucked inside my bra… Only that didn’t work because the tissue was constantly falling out of my shirt. What’s more embarrassing is on one particular occasion one of my bosses saw this happen as it landed on the floor.
Another sad attempt included carrying around a small stick of deodorant in my back pocket, however it became entirely uncomfortable whenever I sat down. It also didn’t help that I could never find a convenient time to apply the stick under my arms.
I shit you not it wasn’t until my last week where we had an event taking place during this massive heat wave in October when I knew it was going to be over 100 degrees. This was when I realized I absolutely could not go out like this. Something needed to be done so I did what every lost soul around the world does: Google!
The solution: panty liner
Take notes kids because that shit rocked! All I had to do was flip my shirt inside out. Stick on those bad boys and guess what NO STUPID ARMPIT RING!!!! Too bad it only took me four months and many wasted hours feeling self-conscious for nothing.
2. Where’s my growth spurt?
Being the shortest one in the bunch
Everyone remembers back in elementary school when the teacher would announce, “Line up shortest to tallest!” Believe it or not, I was always the shortest.
I remember adults constantly saying, “Don’t worry about it! You’re young and you will stretch out eventually.” Welp, I never did. I have been the same height since menstruation took over my tiny little body in fifth grade.
Being short is something I have never really minded mostly because I have always been really damn short. But it really doesn’t help when two of your bosses are over 6 feet tall. I swear some days when they wore heels it was like I came up to their waistes. It kind of felt like being a little kid at the grocery store wandering around aimlessly and confused which is exactly how I felt most days.
It also didn’t help that a large part of my job required moving a ton of heavy/big boxes which I can’t even begin to tell you how many I dropped or how often a co-worker would just take one look at my helpless self and decide to carry it for me.
Ah, the joys of looking and feeling like a child even though I am a grown-ass 22 year old.
3. Appropriate style
WTF is business casual
Upon entering the world of womanhood, appearance meant a lot to me. Everything ranging from the ugly blue eye shadow, side bangs and the clothes that had the stupid moose printed on it from Abercrombie. Many of my peers during this age also had the same style except no body every told us that it looked awful. But I guess when your that age you don’t really know what to wear and I guess I still felt like that.
So I have always heard of business casual wear but can someone please explain it to me? I guess I kind of get it but there are so many fine lines that just overall confuse me.
I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what business casual was coming from someone who had never held a formal office position. Although my clothing options were pretty limited and I was broke/still am poor as hell, I made it work. I had this one nice romper that was black with long sleeves that I wore once even though I knew it was crossing that fine line, but my clothes were dirty and I kind of was just like “ah screw it” I’ll wear the damn romper one more time.
Ha! Joke is on me!
I woke up after the weekend to this text from my boss:
This was not a big deal in the slightest as my manager was very nice about it. I guess that’s what puberty is all about: you live and you learn and you are going to feel really awkward while you are doing it!!!!
4. The unexpected visit from the period
Being too embarrassed to ask for a tampon
Oh yes, the time of the month. After a few times through the cycle most women start to get a regular period and usually know when it’s coming. But that would be all too nice and easy for the life of Erin Donley because mine still pretty much has a mind of its’ own.
On my second week of work I was called into my boss’ office to speak with her about a project. Of course I was wearing a gray t-shirt dress that had pit stains and overwhelmed me with embarrassment. When I stood up to go into my boss’ office, fear had taken over my body and I knew what had happened.
Her office was a good walk from where my desk was and I just assumed everyone I walked past could see it. As I remained trapped in my pubescent way of thinking, I imagined everyone gathering in their clicks at lunch to mock and laugh about my period stained dress. Oh and also the armpits, that was a given. Nevertheless I am positive that never happened but that was my thought process during the moment.
As I was sitting there taking instruction from my boss, I don’t even know if I processed any of the information because I was too busy trying to will myself to not bleed on her chair.
- Side note: Has this ever happened to anyone else or is it just me?
Once I got up and left her office, I am pretty sure I made a light jog straight to the bathroom. Instead of asking for a tampon from someone like a fricking normal person, I resorted to the wadded up ball of toilet paper and stuffed it in my panties like a sixth grader who is still embarrassed about their period would do.
While we are on the topic of periods, I thought I might as well just throw out there a group chat between my two bosses and me. This was a text that was meant for another friend of mine who just got her period and I have no idea how this was sent to them or why it sent five times… it just did. We also never spoke about it and neither of them responded LOL.
5. Everything feels like the end of the world
Me being a dramatic lil bitch for no reason
When you were ages 10-13, didn’t you feel like any slight mistake or mishap in your life was pretty much the absolute end of the world? Everything from getting your flip phone taken away or God forbid your crush liking someone else. LIKE WTF WHAT DOES KAREN HAVE THAT I DON’T????
Sometimes work made me feel the same way. If the printer was low on toner it was just the biggest defeat. Shit man, I don’t know how to change the toner. I would just hope and pray a few hours later someone changed it so I could go on my merry way. But that doesn’t go without saying that I would stress about it all damn day.
Not knowing how to use Excel was also a daily big end of the world moment for me. I apologize, but I have zero knowledge about Excel which I know is a large setback for myself in this day in age. Every time I was asked to do something on Excel it was almost like I wanted to crawl under the desk for an earthquake drill because I knew I was going to screw it up.
Perfect example of me being a lil bitch.
Some days I would drive home just overthinking about every little mistake I made throughout the day when I knew in the grand scheme of things, nobody cares.
It was during these bits of doubt and rage that I always conveniently stuck in traffic during the long ride home. I hate to admit this, but I was that freak that would just be so pissed off in traffic and smack the steering wheel a few times while screaming at the top of my lungs like the lil dramatic bish I am just to let off some steam.
I would like to think I have grown and matured since then… even though it was only a month ago since I have last done that.
Just as with puberty, I know this awkward stage in the workforce will end as well. I have hopefully gained the confidence and experience within my first job to succeed in the future.
I now know what business casual is, have somewhat of a grasp on Excel and will 100% ask for a tampon next time I need one. Post-college is a weird time in one’s life with new people and experiences.
I hope at least one person can relate to this weird and obnoxious post.
Cheers,
Erin
Overwhelmingly Erin 