Edna and Me

I am assuming most of the people who are reading this have been there (unless you are a male and under the age of 21) lying on the exam table with your feet in stirrups as the doctor stares into the abyss of your vagina.

Yes, I am talking about pap smears!

If the topic of pap smears makes you uncomfortable I would suggest you stop reading and exit your browser because this is not for you. Even though there is nothing wrong with the routine check up of your cervix!

Once you hit the ripe old age of 21 everyone is beyond excited that you can drink legally and get into those bars where your fake ID never worked!

But nobody ever celebrates the fact that you can finally get a pap smear.

Although pap smears are important and vital to your health, I don’t think any woman necessarily enjoys getting them. I know I sure don’t!

I received my first pap smear about a year ago from this month at my local physician. You might be thinking to yourself, “don’t you only need a pap smear once every three years?”

While that is the case, just follow along with me here.

I undressed myself and put on the cloth gown. I found the metal stirrups rather amusing as I had only seen them in movies and have never used them before. My doctor came in as I was lying down with my feet in the stirrups playing Temple Run (yes, I still play my favorite iPhone game from high school).

She was a very nice lady. She seemed a little frantic and her appearance gave me hints of Edna Mode from the Incredibles with her small stature and large black circular glasses.

While scooting my bottom down to the edge of the table and readjusting my feet in the stirrups, all I could think about was how one of my favorite Disney characters was about to examine inside of me.

I just imagined my doctor analyzing my vagina as Edna Mode would to her precious super hero suits and it made me so uncomfortable. But alas the words of Edna Mode came ringing into my ear:

I sat staring at the wall with my fingertips nervously tapping against each other. My mother explained to me that this would take no longer than five minutes which was a good thing because we had lunch reservations.

The doctor… actually lets just call her Edna from now on. Edna picked up what looked like a duckbill and attempted to insert it. However she explained to me that this size of the speculum was for women with wider-set vaginas and it looked like it was not going to fit.

Leaving the door OPEN she ran fast to grab another one. Helplessly lying on my back in the most vulnerable position imaginable, I didn’t even bother to get up to close the door.

Edna came right back and tried again. A few minutes into the pap she paused her small talk and let out a fat, “Hmmmmm this is odd.” Naturally I became worried and asked her what the issue was.

She explained to me that she couldn’t seem to find my cervix.

EXCUSE ME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T FIND MY CERVIX?

That’s just wonderful! One of the most vital components of my reproductive system is just absolutely nowhere to be found in this tiny little body of mine.

To be honest I thought she was about to tell me I was a hermaphrodite or some shit.

Because she was having trouble locating my cervix, Edna explained that she was going to have to feel around a bit. Yes, Edna Mode was about to place her hand inside my vagina and I did not feel okay about it in the slightest.

In comparison to Edna Mode, my doctor was pretty much the same height. That meant in order for her to locate my cervix, she essentially had to lean over my entire body and stick her whole hand in to find it.

“Ah-ha!” she shouted. “Found it!”

It was like she was a pirate searching for buried treasure only this wasn’t treasure; it was my fricking cervix.

After spending thirty minutes in this debacle, Edna found the cervix and swabbed it to collect some cells.

She kept apologizing for the bizarre situation and said this has never happened before but the good news was I would not have to do this again for another three years. The nurses would give me a call in a few days to deliver the results.

A week later I received a call from my doctor’s office. The nurse explained to me that Edna didn’t gather enough cells therefore my test came back negative and I would need to come in again for another pap.

My heart sank.

I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN???

I said thank you and hung up the phone and forgot the whole situation ever happened until last week.

As I went in to get my flu shot at my local physician, the nurses checked my chart and explained that I was due for my pap. I reluctantly scheduled an appointment for Thursday, November 16^th at 10:00 AM.

Walking through the same doors, I was prepared to tell whoever was delivering my pap that my cervix was located very far back and it might be difficult to locate. I tried erasing the terrible image imbedded in my mind from my last pap smear to put myself at ease.

Recalling the wise words of Edna Mode:

Once placed in the medical examination room, I undressed myself in the familiar blue cloth and laid in the same position as I did a year ago starring at the same ceiling. The door opens and I look up and see none other than EDNA MODE!!!!!

She walks in almost as baffled as I was. “Oh I remember you!” she explained as she was trying to make this not awkward as possible for the sake of both of us.

“You are the pap smear horror story I told my friends about!”

Well great, I am glad you and your friends can joke about the inside of my reproductive system, Edna.

While Edna lubes up the speculum and gets ready to place it inside of me she says, “Now as I remember, your cervix is very far back in your body so this might be a little tricky.”

Oh for the love of God Edna not again!!!

Edna couldn’t find my cervix and once again she had to awkwardly shove her hand inside me. She pressed on my bladder so hard that I had to ask her to stop so I could relieve myself and pull it together.

She apologized profusely and left as I dressed myself.

I enter the bathroom and began to hear chatter among the nurses and Edna outside.

“I cannot seem to find her cervix at all”

“Oh, is this the girl from last year?”

“Yes! I don’t know why I am having so much trouble with her!”

I decided to use the restroom as a means to calm myself down, not to hear the discussion among the staff about my cervix. But what also haunts me is that they remember me! It’s been almost a year and they see thousands of patients how in the world do they remember my vagina?

I walk back into the room with slumped shoulders laying on my back frantically texting my friend about the horrible atrocity that is taking place.

Edna barges through the door.

“I’ve got it!”

She takes the pillow from the medical exam bed and places it under my bottom.

“Deep breath”

* Inserts speculum *

* Swabs *

“You are good to go Ms. Donley! See you in three years!”

Let us hope Edna, let us hope.